confused

It's funny how even when I'm having a hard time, I'm not allowed to have a hard time. I somehow can't let myself show that I need someone to talk to or need some guidance or help or just comfort in situations. Literally, when I am upset (sad, mad, whatever) I smile. It's like my way of letting myself know that I can't show how I truly feel. And it's a reflex. When I'm mad at someone, I can't even control it, I just start smiling. 

The thing is, when I'm having a hard time, I know that other people are too, and I don't like to selfishly put all the attention on myself. I don't like to feel like a selfish person, so I naturally don't like talking about what I'm having trouble with or being comforted because it feels weird and wrong. Why should I complain about my problems when I know for a fact that people have worse things that they deal with and such. My life is so unimportant to me compared to others that I put people first in almost all situations because I would rather be the person people feel comfortable going to when they need to. Maybe it's because I want someone like that for me, who I can talk to about anything and who will give me unbiased advice and listen thoroughly and be engaged in what I'm saying rather than trying to turn the conversation back to themselves. 

It's completely selfish though. I'm unselfish in conversation because I selfishly want people to think of me as a good listener, or a good friend, or someone who isn't annoying or doesn't talk too much about themselves.

It's made me vulnerable. A pushover. And honestly, it's draining me. I just want someone to care. I want someone to be worried about me. But when they do, I immediately close myself off and make it seem like I'm okay so that they won't worry anymore.

Honestly, I come off as a very emotionless and rational person, and I am. I really am. I'm extremely realistic and people tend to think that it means I am pessimistic. But I'm not. I literally am not optimistic or pessimistic. I just don't even really care. I don't worry about myself. Like, when something bad happens to me, I hardly ever break down or go crazy or freak out. I'm calm about it because honestly I don't care much. I feel like what happens will happen.

And even when things happen to me that should spark some sort of change, what is on my mind right now is not my health, or how to get better, or how to change, or how to cope or get through this. What's on my mind is what I'm going to tell people when I get back so that they won't ask what's going on. Or, how I am going to make it up to my boss at work that I missed today for a reason I'm not comfortable sharing. What's on my mind is how bad I feel that I'm not at the apartment to let my roommate in who forgot her key. I know it's not the stuff I should be worried about. I shouldn't be worried about what time to book the bus to get back so that I'll make it in time to work out with a friend. I should be thinking about resting and getting healthy and whatnot but I'm not and I can't.

I don't want people to know what went on, because I don't want to be pitied, and I don't want to be judged, or questioned, or felt sorry for.

But I do want someone to care. I want someone to know that I'm hurting and without asking just hold me or comfort me or compliment me and make me forget about things. I want someone to ask if I'm alright and then accept my answer and cheer me up regardless of the fact that they don't know what's going on.

People care to know things, but they don't care about me. They're curious, they want to know, just to know. Not because they actually care if I'm okay or not.

So that's why right now, I'm feeling very, very alone and very emotionally drained. I don't want to have to explain myself to someone. I want someone to just accept me for what I've done and for who I am and how I handle things and help me overcome them.

Instead, people like to throw their own advice of what I "should have done" or "should do" and don't actually sit down and listen to what I have to say and try to understand me. People try to tell me how to act and give me "advice" when they don't even understand my situation. How can you tell me to do something when you won't take the time to listen attentively to my story?

People ask how I am in anticipation of my return of the question, not my response to it.

So how, when it is so insignificant to others, can I find any importance to my life?